How to get a woman in the mood? Cut me a break!

Okay, I’m not a mom. I know women are overworked, unappreciated, whatever. But I’m going to make damned sure my husband doesn’t see this list and follow it to “get me in the mood.” Sorry, I still like the alpha-male kiss or the begging or the toss over the shoulder or the languid kiss. The dishes don’t count. Lesson: don’t get your romance tips from AOL homepage! Scroll to the bottom.

Ten ways to help mom get in the mood
Posted Apr 25th 2006 6:31AM by Sarah Gilbert
Filed under: Lifestyle, Moms, Dads, Parental relationships

“You want to get me in the mood? Help out!” says one mom I know.

“Watching my hubby cheerfully, without my prodding, take care of household duties totally puts me in the mood,” says another.

Why is this? It’s certainly not that male domesticity is dreamy — you’ll never find me, or any of my mama friends, watching videos of scantily-clad men putting plates and bowls in the dishwasher and tucking the kids in bed. Scrubbing toilets isn’t fun no matter who’s doing it. It’s not the work in and of itself. It’s the helping. And it’s the fact that you don’t have to do it all yourself. It’s the fact that you don’t have to do it all yourself. And perhaps most importantly, it’s about recognizing and appreciating your partner’s hard work. That alone is a powerful aphrodisiac.

When you first partner with the man of your dreams, it seems easy — or, at least, possible — to separate your wifely self from that of career woman, sporty gal, best friend, craft maven. As a wise woman told me recently, “before I was a mom I was Ghandi: I was generous with my time and resources. If my husband wanted to go on a hike, that was great!” But after… every half-hour had to be portioned out, with a responsible parent “on duty” at any given time. Once I became a mom, my identities were no longer separate and certainly not equal: I was mom first and foremost, and 24 hours a day. Suddenly my partnership with my husband was that of boss and executive assistant. And that’s just not sexy.

In order to get in the mood, I had to step out of my mom role. In the first months of a child’s life, that’s nearly impossible; and for the rest of toddler-hood it’s just really, really hard. So when I read Lainie Keslin Ettinger’s essay in the New York Times (she’s the wise woman of whom I spoke), I thought, yes! Someone understands exactly what I’m going through.

And I discovered that, for moms, porn is not so racy after all.

Want a mom in the mood, men? Try these tips:

Put the kids to bed, making an effort to get them to sleep without a fuss.
Dinner time? Offer to chop while she sautés.
When mom gets home from work and errands, have the baby bathed and freshly diapered.
Clear out the answering machine.
When dinner’s over, show off your high-school waiter skills and carry all the dishes to the kitchen.
Send thank-you notes to all your relatives for the gifts they’ve sent this year.
Fold the laundry in the dryer and put it away.
Talk about something other than discipline or chores or bills.
Take the kids to the park (or anywhere, for that matter!) so mom can have a break.
If you’re unsure how to help, by all means, ask.

My Miracle Brother

Only a few close friends in cyberspace will understand what this photo means, but here’s my brother, alive and in his classroom, on the last day of classes. He was in hospital for many, many months, where after surgery he contracted a virus that literally killed him, if only for moments. After many more procedures, he taught this semester. It’s a miracle, and it puts all my woes into perspective. So today, I’m extremely grateful for this photo.

My Muse

Inspiring a new story (not about breaking out of prison for two seasons), Wentworth Miller. How cute is this guy? I can’t tell if he’s a horrible or great actor, nor do I really care. It’s that slow smile and squint. Bingo–new character. I have to latch onto a movie star crush in order to write. How pathetic! If I can’t picture someone perfectly (for me, that means a photo), I’m stuck. And I have to be able to fantasize about them. Now that I’m permanently over my Orlando Bloom thing, I’ve needed a new Muse. Now, Keanu is always in the back of my mind, grunting for a character of his own. Who floats your boat???

On Clubbing an Agent Over the Head

I’ve been avoiding this post, heeding all the dire warnings to writers not to be too open on the Internet. Because, of course, all six visitors to this blog might rat me out, right? Truth be told, I have no real complaints about agents. They’ve been swell, honestly. I’ve been lucky I guess. Let me be more specific. I don’t have an agent. I queried a bunch, and only one banana in the bunch didn’t want to see the manuscript. How cool is that? I guess I write a really good query letter! So that was quite exciting! I rewrote the manuscript for one agent, who wanted to see it longer, deeper, make me feel cheaper… whoops, I digress. Bottom line–two instant rejections. “You write great characters, but I didn’t like the plot.” “I loved the plot, but wasn’t crazy about your characters.” It was lovely to get feedback, but what do you do with something like that? So it’s out to three more spots (yep, it’s a good query), and I’m waiting for more conflicting critiques. Oh, yes, one said “you’re a strong writer, but I didn’t like this as much as I thought I would.” Hear that scream? That’s me in my apartment. WHY???? Tell me why? What didn’t you like? But it’s not their job. It’s kinda like hitting a dartboard blindfolded, with someone saying “warmer, colder, ouch, colder, colder, warmer…” Have no idea what to do to this book to make it a bullseye. So I’ll watch the mail, hoping not to see any envelopes with my own handwriting on them. Fingers crossed for me. It’s a good book, honest.

Madam Philomena Takes Your Questions

On love and writing. Now, before you post a question, scroll down, take a good look at Philomena’s picture, read that post, and make sure you really want to bother! This is all in fun, of course. My mother-in-law is an amateur psychic, and she’s wrong about 95 percent of the time. Okay, she’s better than that, but she’s so general–you know? Still, she gives good advice, so fire away? Want to know whether to dump that guy? That girl? That cat? Want to know if your writing career is about to take off (sure it is)? Give Madam Philomena the dirt, and she’ll get back to you this week! And good luck.

Phew, I guess we’ll stay married

Ciar
&
Bruce

84% Compatible

♥ Ciar and Bruce have been romantically-together for a long time. That alone demonstrates a degree of compatibility. Their shared faith will help form a bond between them. They both abstain from drinking, so that helps compatibility. Their astrological signs are in harmony, which is a plus. They share a favorite season, and that is good. And their views on children are similar. The fact that both Ciar and Bruce are somewhat dominant reduces compatibility, as opposites in this area attract. Overall, Ciar and Bruce are quite compatible. There are a few rough spots, but nothing that cannot be overcome. ♥

Test Your Dating Compatibility

Get a Persona

I’ve noticed that the most successful writers (well, let’s limit this to epubbed/trade paperbacks in the bookstore, maybe just picked up by an agent with a first sale writers) have an identity. You know what I mean? Their sites are dark, with pics of toothy men or sexy women, gothic tidbits, etc. Or, they stick to a theme–lords, masters, shapeshifters, vampires, etc. They have successful series that sell like hotcakes. A publisher once advised me to “get” a persona. Fit a genre, so readers would latch on, would know what I write every time. I tried. I’ll be a fiesty warrior type, I thought, and stick to kick-ass heroines in Tomb Raider type action adventures. Then I ended up writing a fantasy farce, because that’s what came to me. Okay, I thought, I’ll write fantasy. Then a burning, overwhelming desire to write a contemporary paranormal came on. Damn. Who am I? My books have nothing in common but me, and I don’t seem to have anything in common with myself! I tried a category romance, thinking that would be easier, and an agent said it was too…deep…I guess for category, and I should lengthen it. I did that, and now I have this longish thing that doesn’t seem to fit any “NY” market. Scratches head… I am not an erotica or even “romantica” writer, which eliminates about 90 percent of the hot market right now. Is anyone else in this pickle???

My Husband and I are Losers

My husband (BK) and I are losers, really. It’s about TV. I realized last night that we actually look forward to TAPS, or Ghost Hunters. Okay, if you haven’t seen the show, it’s a bunch of East Coast gorillas poking around places to debunk hauntings. NOTHING ever happens. EVER. Now, they say they’re out to debunk things, but I suspect that’s a cover for the fact that they really haven’t a clue what they’re doing. What makes this more stupid? My husband and I don’t believe in ghosts. Perhaps even worse is my addiction to Prison Break. It’s really terrible. I only watch it because Wentworth Miller is adorable and graduated from Princeton. It’s like watching a train wreck, and I can’t stop. Then there’s “My Name is Earl,” my absolute favorite. I think I secretly suspect it’s loosely based on my family in Baltimore, although I can’t prove it. So we watch those three shows every week, and that makes us losers. Of course, the fact that we watch them together, holding hands and laughing, probably makes us winners.

Madam Philomena Speaks

Oh my darlings, what to say, what to do? You know how it is–a younger friends asks if it’s a good idea to date the fellow with the long hair and tattoos because he’s dreamy and completely unavailable. My mother-in-law, Madam Philomena (not her real name) gives the most wonderful advice. She will appear on this blog on a monthly basis to offer her special readings. I do not give good advice. “Hey, I see you write for Floppy Publishing. Should I write for Floppy Publishing? What were your sales there? I heard they change editors constantly. I heard they kill ex-writers. I hear all their books are going to print tomorrow, and they guarantee you’ll be in Barnes and Noble next week. They want me to write a vampire orgy novella for their Holy Week anthology. Should I?” “Yes, of course you should!” How the hell do I know? It’s a cruel, cruel world out there, and you need to be smarter than I am. Ask a smarter, snarkier bitch than me from now on. My advice sucks. Just ask the last person who emailed me that question. And guess what, I just wrote someone about a publisher and did the same thing to her! My mid-year resolution–no stupid questions to other writers. But how else do you get this info? I have no idea, but don’t rely on the musings of a disgruntled struggling fledgling writer. Go to Barnes and Nobles and see if the books really showed up there. Join Romance Divas. Make friends with a big writer. But don’t believe anything you read here!

The Biggest Kahuna and Other Less Toothy Items

This book has a history. Quick, think of a god to write a romance story about. Make sure it’s one no one ever wrote about before! Make him unusual. That was my instruction, and after some funky epubbing goings-ons, this book found its way into the hands of the wonderful Lorri-Lynn Brown at Loose ID. I picked up my handy-dandy guide to mythology, and thought to try something a little different. How about a shark god? A drunk, really (although of course he’s not in the book), who flipped his tale to guide Hawaiian fishermen through rough seas? Kalahiki is now the star of his own romance! I hope you like this story…It comes out May 9. You can learn a bit more at my web site. I’m not a big shapeshifter fan, per se, but I do enjoy quirky tales, and quirky tails.