Certificate of Creepy 1890

I surround myself with images when I write, to remind myself of the zeitgeist that might otherwise slip away. This image just freaks me, seriously. If it doesn’t freak you, seek help.

Steampunk Genre Angst, Sherlock Holmes, and Denzel

Dirigibles. Flying ships. Steampowered weapons. Oy. Vey. I’m writing a book, and I thought I was writing steampunk. Who knew, srsly? Now what the f do I call it? I was told, dressed down in fact, that because my work does not focus on technology, it is not a steampunk. It must be one of those other “skiffy subgenres” as I’ve heard them called. So I opened the skiffy subgenre guide to romances and my type of story was not there. It’s a romance. It takes place in more than one time period. One of those times periods is 1890. It has an alternate universe. It does not focus on technology, although it mentioned velocopedes (as well as skateboards), dirigibles (although my characters do not use one). Am I writing a fantasy again? Come on, I wants to be cooler than that. I don’t have that “elevator pitch” for this one.

I stumbled upon The Crooked Man last night. I hadn’t seen the late great Jeremy Brett as Holmes in so long–what a treat. I had a terrible crush on him back in the day, when I was in grad school. The only “older man” to ever make my heart race. The sensual way he’d use his mouth, the intelligence he brought to a role that required it. Ah. The Crooked Man is one of my favorite Holmes stories, because it brings the whole India mystique into the plot.

After seeing that I kinda forgot my Steampunk genre angst. I really want to be the Conan Doyle of romance. Yeah, right.

All this wonderful immersion into the past was ruined by the first Denzel Washington movie I ever disliked. My husband is Denzel’s biggest fan–we own all of his movies on DVD, and while I think he plays the same part every time, my husband keeps reminding me “that’s the definition of a leading man.” But this was awful. Meg Ryan was awful as a Captain during Desert Storm. Hated it. Oh well, he’s still way ahead for me.

The Easiest Cake in the World that Will Make You Special

We all want to be very special, especially around the holidays, right? I can’t bake worth…oops, this is about food. I can cook up a storm, but bake? I’m missing the genes. So was my mom, and my grandmother could burn air.

Ah, but my MIL Philomena, she keeps it real in the oven. I usually get her to make this cake every time I have a fall event, but it’s time that I graduate beyond the stovetop.

Forthwith, the easiest cake recipe that will make you very, very special. I guarantee it’s spectacular. Prep time, about 5 minutes.

Use: 3 large eggs, one large can of pumpkin pie mix with spices (or doctor up your own spiceless can with your own mixture), 1.25 cups sugar, 1 can evaporated milk.
Beat the hell out of it, and pour it into an ungreased 13″ x 9″ pan.
Pour onto this liquid mixture one box of dry (unprepared, untouched, right out of the box) yellow cake mix. To be clear, the dry goes on top of the wet. Cut 1.5 sticks of margarine and dot top of cake mix with the slices. Sprinkle with one cup of chopped nuts of your choice (or more, or leave them out).
Bake 350 degrees until done, usually 1-1.5 hours. Toothpick test, yada yada.

Be special.

Ghost Whisperer, Misery, My Neck, and Laundry

Just when I think I’m having a grief respite day, it hits. Two and a half months. It starts as a generalized nervousness, then spreads to a dull ache in my chest. Aha, the moment of recognition, then the tears sobbing commences. I really hate this. I miss you today, Mom.

I watched Ghost Whisperer last night. I know, I’m the last person on the planet watching that show. I was also the last person I know to get a microwave. Meh. I was pretty upset they killed Jim off, and that the show would just bite from now on. But it was great, gutsy, and full of heart. Got me thinking about risk-taking in writing. Not that I would kill a hero, exactly, but sometimes you have to get your head out of the mashed potatoes–that’s what I call the rules of “what’s selling, what’s hot, what’s the must-do/must not do” mush. You can’t figure it out, and it’s like smothering in mashed potatoes. Without enough salt, or I’d eat my way out.

How did I gain 6 pounds? Um, I stopped running and started eating. You see, it got cold. I hate the cold. So I took the really huge step of buying warmer running clothes this morning. They look nice all folded on the bed. The six pounds? It’s the mashed potatoes, I guess. I think it’s since Mom died. I can fix this part easily–the other, not so much.

My neck is in distress. I bought the memoryfoam thingey, and hopefully that will help. Once again, I blame Ms. Bates up there. Who is the personification of excruciating grief. She’ll break your ankles and won’t let you out.

Doing laundry.

Nice editor lady liked a short story I wrote (free at the holidays) called Midnight Clear. It’s the story of my great-grandparents, a fire, and a ring.

The feminist romance?

feminist
One entry found.

Main Entry: fem·i·nism
Pronunciation: \ˈfe-mə-ˌni-zəm\
Function: noun
Date: 1895
1 : the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes
2 : organized activity on behalf of women’s rights and interests

I’m having a tough time with this one, so help me figure it out. I don’t know what it means to be a feminist these days. Is my husband a feminist? He believes in equal rights for people, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation (well, he has a bit of that straight male thing going on–a gay guy might WANT him–aargh), but still, he’s on board. Like a lot of guys, he doesn’t really “get” that the media and arts are rather biased–sticking to gender right now. You aren’t going to see many commercials featuring scantily clad men, etc. That crap aside, I’ve been thinking about books and Michelle Obama. She’s accomplished, but/and she’s said she puts her kids first. What do you want her to say? (I know, Karenknowsbest covered this). And then folks chime in and say they’re feminists. What does that mean now? What does it mean for writers? That you don’t have mindless airhead heroines, of course. Sure, I can see that. That your heroine has to be “kick-ass,” a term I really hate. What does that mean? It seems to be a pet peeve of Mrs. Giggles, for example. Women who are not self-actualized in some way. I’m not sure I’ve spent my life in the most kick-ass fashion. Sure, I’ve earned some male-like badges (karate, whatever…). Perhaps I banged my head on some glass ceilings and perhaps broke through a few. But I also married poorly the first time around, worked and supported a husband who was following his dream, etc. Am I not heroine-worthy material? I think sometimes romance writers, maybe reviewers, want to see women who ask no questions, take no prisoners. Sometimes I see that foul language and quick comebacks substitute for substance. Is that our ideal female? What about the weaker person, the person who hasn’t had a break, who had no role models, who does her best. What about most of our Moms? What about the Michelle Obamas? Would she be a good heroine? She just said she’ll put her kids first. What do you consider a good feminist romance, and why? Are you a feminist? Who isn’t?

Do I want to tell Microsoft about my Problem???

No, I freaking do not! Debug and for the love of God, don’t die now, not six weeks before Christmas. Actually, I guess the timing has nothing to do with it.

I hate spending money on computers that should have a lifespan at least equal to any other object costing a grand. This is how my beloved laptop behaved before the (quieter voice)…the end. Heaved off in the middle of a brilliant post on a topic I won’t remember in ten minutes. Bailing just as I’m ready to go to my cart, which holds all the discount items and codes I’ll need to fulfill the wishes of tiny tots worldwide.

Damn you geeks to hell! I want a computer that lives, lives, lives! I run all my spyware. I virus check. I defrag and clean and purge and even blast with air. What the hell do you people want from me????

Meh. Twilight. Meh.

So you heard that “meh” has entered the dictionary. I’m happy about that, because I have occasion to use it today. Meh. Edward Cullen. I’m a Cullen, damn it, and let me tell you, I have ancestors that would make a vampire whither or melt with one glance. Especially such a meh one as this.

Maybe I’m just jealous of Stephanie Meyers, huh? Okay, so I haven’t read the book that’s on my nightstand yet. I’m convinced that since The Vampire Lestat (just that one, mind you, not the other books), I could never ever love another vampire. Especially at age 51.5. Not that I wouldn’t, you know? I’m not dead. Or undead.

It’s a weird feeling, to finally get up one morning and look around and not care about crushy young things. I could lay down my life for Hayden, how silly is that? Or would a few years ago. But this fella? Bah. And the pouty lipped heroine?

So, should I read Twilight? Or should I skip it and see the movie? Or should I take in both? I’ll do whatever the majority here tells me to do. Seriously.

We have nothing to fear, but poor sales, I mean fear itself

Right, we know, “it’s the economy, stupid.” One author posted her thoughts that publishers might stop accepting debut authors and stick with midlist authors (of which she is one). One agent tells writers to polish, polish, polish and keep working on craft. (That advice still bugs the shit out of me, smells like teen spirit or something–who isn’t trying to get better?)

Come up with a groundbreaking novel! Stick to the tried and true! Don’t quit your day job. No kidding. I’m lucky enough to work for a “company,” perhaps the only one in my state, with a 12-billion dollar surplus. Of course, with the generous alumns watching their stocks plummet, that won’t last long.

So what are YOU going to do? Are you buying books? I’m not buying a damned thing these days–one of those contributing to the circular doom of poor consumer confidence.

Are you writing books for New York? Are you nervous? Are you putting that great novel in a vacuum bag until things look up?

Are you worried that your publisher may even fold?

Look, there will always be books. Electronic, perhaps. Paper, for a while. Maybe a long while. Maybe someday books will be video-interactive plays holographically zinged into your living pod.

My theory is that you can’t live your life with one eye to the sky like Chicken Little and be creative. The sky may be falling, but you have to write like it’s 1999. Because it won’t mean a thing in a hundred years. And girls just wanna have fun. And that kind of stuff. So your “dream agent” (that phrase always reminds me of a board game from some other decade called “Dream Date”) is blogging gloom. There is no reason why this recession should not touch publishing–that’s simply not how economics works. Unless you are employed in publishing (your only bread and butter), you might have to tighten the worry belt a little and chill. This is nothing small-time authors can fix, any more than we can save the auto industry (if you are inclined to do so–but that’s another argument).

Go ahead, let me have it. I know you want to.

Woot! Who needs prizes??? You do!

TELL ME ABOUT THIS CONTEST!

Contest Opens November 15 and Ends December 15, midnight EST!

Strap on your furry boots and get ready to stomp through Romance Land in search of fabulous winter gifts! This is our way of thanking readers for giving to us all year long! Visit a favorite author, or discover a new one. But first, get out a pen, because you’ll be searching for the Twelve Days of Christmas and some other holiday images!

WHAT CAN I WIN?

First place winner:
Journal and stationary cards from Diana Castilleja
Ebook The Enchanted Inn by Pam Champagne
Print copy of Key West Magic by Ciar Cullen
Ebook Redemption by Sharon Cullen
Print copy The Perfect Gift by Kate Davies
$10 Fictionwise GC from Gwen Hayes
Ebook winner’s choice from Gwen Hayes list
Print copy Iron Horse Rider by Adelle Laudan
Ebook Midnight Reborn by Diane McEntire
Print book Lisa’s Gift by Mackenzie McKade
Ebook Egyptian Voyage by TJ Michaels
Ebook Dragons’ Choice by Debbie Mumford
Print book Sugar and Sin by Stella and Audra Price
Ebook winner’s choice of Emily Ryan-Davis’ list
Ebook Cindra and the Bounty Hunter by Paige Tyler
Tarot reading by Foxhawke

Second Place:
Ebook Diana Castilleja’s current list
Ebook Dead Heat by Pam Champagne
Seascape notecards from Ciar Cullen
Ebook Home for Christmas by Kate Davies
Ebook winner’s choice of Gwen Hayes’ list
Print copy Smiling Eyes by Adelle Laudan
Prize pack (tshirt, hat, bookmark, magnets) from Diane McEntire

Third Place:
Print book Six Feet Under by Mackenzie McKade
Ebook Glass Magic by Debbie Mumford
Print copy Silk and Steel by Stella and Audra Price
Handknitted wool wristwarmers from Emily Ryan-Davis
Tarot reading by Foxhawke

Fourth Place:
Ebook Bridge of Hope or Bed of Lies by Pam Champagne
Ebook winner’s choice from Ciar Cullen

HOW DO I WIN????

Crack those knuckles and warm up the mouse. Look at the sites below, and find one icon on each site! They aren’t too hard to find, we promise. What are you looking for? The Twelve Days of Christmas, an angel, a winter fairy, and a snowman! Fifteen images in all!
Need some help? On the twelfth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
12 Drummers Drumming
Eleven Pipers Piping
Ten Lords a Leaping
Nine Ladies Dancing
Eight Maids a Milking
Seven Swans a Swimming
Six Geese a Laying
Five Golden Rings
Four Calling Birds
Three French Hens
Two Turtle Doves
and a Partridge in a Pear Tree
To win the grand prize, you must find all 15 images. To win second, third, or fourth place, you must find at least 10 images.

Don’t forget the WINTER FAIRY, THE SNOWMAN, and THE ANGEL!

GREAT, I CAN DO THAT! WHAT’S NEXT?

Email your answer to

winterwonderlandofprizes@gmail.com

Your answer should be a list of authors and their image. For example,
Mark Twain, Santa
Charles Dickens, 12th day

THE FINE PRINT
Authors reserve the right to substitute electronic books for print books for winners living outside the writer’s country. No purchase is necessary to win. If a site becomes unavailable for searching during the contest, we will eliminate that image from the contest. We have the ability to spot duplicate entries, so please enter only once!
If you DO NOT want to receive email newsletters or invitations once in a while from the sponsors of this contest, please say so in your entry. This “opting out” will NOT in any way alter your chances of winning. It won’t even hurt our feelings!

READY? HERE’S WHERE TO LOOK!

Diana Castilleja
Pam Champagne
Ciar Cullen
Sharon Cullen
Kate Davies
Gwen Hayes
Adelle Laudan
Diane McEntire
Mackenzie McKade
TJ Michaels
Debbie Mumford
Stella and Audra Price
Emily Ryan-Davis
Paige Tyler
Foxhawke

Oooh, my first lot is live!

On Ebay.