Pocono Nights, or Why I’ll Never Go Back


I recently spent two nights at a work retreat. Retreat=helping new students figure out which oriface beer goes into.

It was in the Poconos. The lovely Water Gap, golf courses, cheap timeshares, and now, gambling.

My room. I want to tell you about my room. A heart shaped tub was next to the bed. Not in the bathroom, but next to the bed. A big ol thing. Red. Next to that was a sauna. Now, I’m no germaphobe, but would you get into a heart-shaped tub in the Poconos that looked like it hadn’t been sterilized in decades? Can you even imagine what happened in that tub? In that sauna? EEEEEWWWW.

But wait! There’s more! Mirrors. Everywhere. On the ceiling, around the heart-shaped tub, on every freaking square inch of the place, even over my round bed. It was like trying to sleep in a fun house.

One professor got the same kind of room and asked why he was placed in the swinging bachelor pad. Well, he is kinda a swinging bachelor.

Now, if you’re twenty and in good shape, it’s not so bad to be surrounded by mirrors. But my newly widened hips (I’m blaming it all on changing hormones) just don’t look good in multiple 360 degree views.

The worst: before I realized that you could see everything from outside (my window looked out onto the main path to where all our students were going), I changed in my love nest, with the curtains open. Who could see? I was up high… Then when I walked outside and saw that you could freaking see everything because of the doggone mirrors… Ugh. That was my business trip. Fortunately, we go to the beach next year.

Now when I hear folks go to the Poconos on their honeymooon, I’ll have a very clear picture in my head.

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